Please enjoy this excerpt from my upcoming book:
Keep Cool in Hot Situations: Start to Thrive When Conflict Arrives
No time to read? Listen here!
We’ve got a range of ways to respond when someone is being thoughtless, unfair, or rude to us.
Walking away is one of them.
On the outside, walking away may look passive, but walking away from a combustible situation, not out of politeness or fear of confrontation, but out of strength, actually shows some mega-power.
Our internal conversation goes something like this:
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- “This situation is beneath me. I’m not going to involve myself in it.”
- “I have better things to do with my time.”
- “This situation just isn’t worth the energy it would take to resolve it.”
- “I’m not going to explain or defend myself to this person.”
- “I can’t make this a priority in my life right now.”
Speaking up
Another choice: a clean and clear speak-up. Sounds like this:
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- “I don’t agree with that.”
- “That’s really offensive to me.”
- “We were supposed to talk an hour ago. I’m upset about having to wait.”
- “I wasn’t copied on that email. I felt left out.”
- “I was hurt when I wasn’t invited.”
You
Important though is the absence of “you” in these speak ups. In a tough situation, “you” is a short word that’s long on power. It can sound accusatory, like a finger poke in the chest:
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- “You always do this kind of thing.”
- “It happened because you weren’t paying attention.”
- “You are the most disrespectful person.”
- “I didn’t understand you because you don’t know how to explain anything.”
- “You’re wrong.”
- “You can’t expect me to…”
- “That’s because you said…”
Here are the same ideas without the word “you.” Listen to how strong they sound, without amping up the hostility:
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- Instead of: “You always do this kind of thing” — “This seems to happen a lot.”
- Instead of: “It happened because you weren’t paying attention” — “Looks like some details were left out.”
- Instead of: “You are the most disrespectful person” — “I think that was disrespectful.”
- Instead of: “I didn’t understand you because you don’t know how to explain anything” — “I have some questions about that.”
- Instead of: “You’re wrong” — “I don’t agree.”
- Instead of: “You can’t expect me to…” — “Here’s what I can do…”
- Instead of: “That’s because you said…” — “I thought I heard…” or “My understanding was…”
Maybe…pump the brakes
Another option: kindness. This is not a sappy, yes-it’s-okay-to-walk-all-over-me type of kindness, but a choice that comes from strength and the decision not to escalate a situation.
A while ago, I was on a call with someone who was being, let’s call it aggressive. She wanted a favor but was in a hurry and impatient with the questions I needed to ask. At one point she even ended the call on me.
Still, no matter how aggressive she was, how impatient, I just stayed focused and asked my questions. When she hung up on me, I called her right back, apologized for dropping the call (even though we both knew she did it), and kept the conversation going.
It was hard! But it worked.
After a few minutes, she changed. With no hostility coming from me, there was nothing for her to push against. By the end of the call, her tone was really different. She even told me how much she appreciated my help and apologized for giving me a hard time.
When we don’t react to aggression with aggression, rudeness with rudeness, insults with insults, even if we’re right and the other person is clearly wrong, a situation can’t get worse. We’re pumping the brakes on the conflict.
Sometimes, it’s worth pausing, taking a breath, and resisting the urge to meet hostility with more hostility. In doing so, we allow a tense situation to lose its steam.
#conflictresolution #conflictmanagement #atwork #conflict #workplaceharmony